She'll be Sketching Heartbeats

It was silent when she jumped. At least to her. Permanent silence? No, not in death. The screams and cheers of the people, no not people for were they even human? No, not to her. People often say that only God decides their time to die. Well, it was different for her. She decided her time to die. Her world was no longer logical. Is suicide logical? Perhaps. Is it scientifically proven? Not completely. The base coding and instinct of a human being is to survive. Everything revolves around it both physically and emotionally. But all she knew was that the moment she jumped she left everything in her world behind. It was the moment when she closed her eyes that the world turned the deepest red she had ever seen. Her favorite color. The beauty or beast that was weaved throughout her life spinning the tapestry that was her. Her question settled around her as she made contact with the ground. Did Red kill her? Did the beauties of the world kill her? Did she abandon the world? Or did the world abandon her? Where would all her burdens go? Where do a dead person's unanswered questions go anyway? Will they be taken away to whatever comes after life? Her life ended a question mark. Finished but not completely. The questioning surprise of the students below in the schoolyard. The questioning horror on the still flushed face of the principal's face not yet comprehending what had happened. And most of all the question on her face. Questioning everything. Doubting everything. Not resting. Not peaceful. And not emotional. 

It was a June afternoon when the phone rang. The kind of June afternoon when the cicadas screamed the feel of summer. The kind of June afternoon where the most sweet simplistic happiness is in the air, the embodiment of normalcy. But the sweetest most simplistic happiness is always wearing a mask of innocence, gipping the knife of the most tangled complicated unanswered death ready to stab you in the back. It was the stab that brought out the horror screams from Ms.Taeoon. At that moment she questioned everything if the principal beyond fear at the other end of the deep mahogany telephone was lying. If her daughter was really dead? The word rang in her head. Dead. Dead. Dead. It rang in the ring tone of the phone now permanently stitched into her mind. It rang in the principal's words. “She jumped. She’s dead. We did everything.” It wavered in the static that played in her head grained and sharp. It bounced with every beat of her heart, half not beating with the one of her daughters. Time didn’t seem to exist. Time seemed to cut out of existence in her mind. Had it been hours, days, months, years, decades, or centuries that she had been lying on the floor? She did not know because she did not know the time. She did not know how to get up.

It seemed like the emptiest room in the world where Smile’s room stood, on its cherry wood frames. That’s where Ms.Taeoon spent all her existence. She could feel her daughter's presence disappearing from the world. Lifting like the loveliness of a dream being forgotten after the reality of the waking world dawns. She could feel different shades of red draining from every single pigment in the room. She could feel every shard of hopelessness build into the figments of her imagination. She saw her daughter everywhere. In the steam of the breakfast porridge, the ripples of rose petals, the bottom of the hot coco where it is sweetest. Always there, disappearing, too far to grasp, too close to see it all. Sweet like the faintest of nostalgic memories tugging at your mind. It was by coincidence that Ms.Taeoon found the book in a shade of red she could not identify, but she could not identify most things these days. Her world simply seemed to lose half of its definition. The most familiar things turn into devils of the unknown playing with her thoughts like a kidnapper holding out candy to an innocent child. (not yet aware of the evilness of the world) She was lying on the ground in Smile's room when she saw the book under the bed. She somehow summoned enough strength to pick up the book. She felt that each movement was weighted tied down, dead weighted. She opened the book. She could not understand how her daughter was. Her Smile. Her love would abandon her just like that. She had a comfortable life. She had all the love that Ms. Taeoon knew she could give her. How could she do it? How could she commit suicide?

May 21st 

Dear red dairy,

I think it was the red pink of the nails tapping on the back of a chair I made friends with.

Ms.Taeon seemed to be falling. Falling into or out of she could not comprehend but she was falling. She couldn’t hear, but there wasn’t silence. She couldn’t see but there wasn't any blankness. She seemed to be traveling through no space at all, she didn’t feel like she was taking up space at all, and she didn’t feel real. When the world came back to her the first thing she felt was the cold wood of the back of a chair. She looked around. She was in her daughter's classroom. A notebook opened in front of her. She recognized her daughter’s Physics teacher prancing about at the front of the room. January 21st was written on the whiteboard. Was I dreaming? Thought Ms.Taeoon. She looked down at her wrist and her eyes landed on the red jade bracelet that her daughter had been wearing forever. With a cold shiver of fantasy, she realized that she was in Smiles's body. She wasn’t dead so her daughter wasn’t dead. She could barely keep her excitement within. She looked around at the peeling paint on the walls that seemed to have been ignored for decades, and the swishing plaid curtains that undulated as if not knowing where to go. Then she heard a rhythmic tapping and she first thought it was her daughter’s heartbeat echoing inside her. However, as her eyes again scanned the room she saw a pair of red-pink nails tapping on the back of an auburn chair. They seemed to be the image of perfection, chrome and glistening in the late afternoon sun. Looking up she saw the most piercing shade of hazel eyes she had ever seen. They danced all around her body and seemed to see straight into the depths of her soul. She could feel the icy tingling as the girl's gaze scanned her. Then the girl smiled, but it was more of a grin. Ms.Taeon faltered not knowing what to do, she was finally able to conjure an awkward smile as she started to blush thinking it must have looked stupid. The girl seemed in a strange way satisfied as she slowly bit down on her gum and turned around her charm-bedecked pen clicking out a most fancy melody. The sudden harsh ringing of the bell started Ms.Taeon out of her daydreams. "Well class," The Physics teacher's voice sounded weird and sing-songy. "Your homework is to complete the workbook problems-" His voice was drowned out by the sound of zipping backpacks and the overall hassle of people that had been kept sitting for way too long. Frantically searching for a schedule that would tell her where to go Ms.Taeon did not notice the people advancing on her until a clenching hand was placed on her shoulder. She looked up to see the pink-nailed girl leaning uncomfortably close to her, she could smell the fruity string from the gum escaping from her beholder's mouth. "Samantha is it? I'm Alexandra Li." Alexandra took a lock of Smile's raven-colored hair between her nails and painfully gave it a tug. "Have you ever even done a hair treatment? That thing looks like it's been crafted out of dead beetle legs, I would die of stress with that hair of yours." She cast a glance behind her at the group of giggling minions who all nodded. "It's a Smile." Said Ms.Taeon so baffled by the string of things that happened that she could not think of a rude retort. "Well, smile," Alexandra said with sarcasm. "You seem like something." She started to giggle though Ms.Taeon could not comprehend what might be funny. "What I mean is do you want to eat with us tomorrow at the hot pot place across the street? Bring money. You're paying. The first rule of being our new friend is you pay the bills." Ms. Taeon was too confused to say goodbye before she could go after them to ask questions and the world blacked out yet again. 

Ms.Taeon felt cold hardwood under her, the soft morning sunlight flitted softly through the windows. She just lay there looking at the dust dancing lazily through the beams of light. Smile's alive Ms.Taeon thought, or she was. A sudden course of energy dashed through Ms. Taeon and she sat up, if she could somehow get into Smile's body she could stop her from committing suicide. Could it happen? Would it work? She had to go back into Smile's body. Frantically she grabbed the book wrinkling the cover from her forceful grab.

May 22nd

Dear red dairy,

I thought more blush could cover up the light red hand mark on my cheek.

Ms.Taeon was falling down again and now she found that she was sitting. The dimming of light blinded her for a second. A sudden strong aroma gagged her for a split second. Steam.  She saw steam. It twisted and rose in front of her, wrapped around her vision. Her eyes flicked to the bubbling hot pot beneath bits of tomato churned in the water momentarily visible then pulled back into the deep. Then the steam floated away and faces appeared. “We’re done,” Alexandra said with a hint in her voice.  Ms.Taeeon smiled awkwardly unsure of what to do. Alexandra’s lip liner twitched “Go pay.” Her pink nails fluttered and a waitress came over. “Bill.” There was a sweet twinge in her voice. Ms. Taeeon stared at the bill with its tiny lettering. $500. Five hundred dollars what? That was a quarter of her monthly salary. She opened her mouth but nothing came out. Alexandra, Sana, Lielani, and Maya got up. They all had the same look on their faces. “Thanks,” Carine whispered in her ear before disappearing behind the other girls. The world seemed to slide away, its rushes and murmurs protruding into the corners. Ms. Taeeon dug through Smile's bag and found the tattered wallet. She opened it and was silenced for a split second seeing a small picture of herself, the edges white and worn. The 50 inside looked thin and unreliable. She felt like she was sinking into the hot pot slowly disintegrating into the orange and red tomatoes then rising and disappearing in the steam. She realized snapping out of her daydream that she had to call herself to come pay. A moment later the cracked phone was in Ms.Taeeon’s hand she saw her reflection in the phone and flinched she saw Smile's distorted complexion staring back at her. The face that had been haunting her day and night,  awake and asleep, running and still, dead and alive. Cracks from the phone screen split down her face. Suddenly, the cracks started to come alive oozing then dripping blood, they swam around Smile's face turning everything Red. Ms. Taeeon closed her eyes and felt the scream begin to claw out of her throat. She felt a hand on her shoulder. She didn’t want to open her eyes but terror forced them open. She saw a chubby face staring back at her. Ms. Taeeon looked around and the world rushed back at her, its sound filling her. Nothing was red. “You ok?” The waitress’s face came back into view. “You looked like you were going to faint.” “Umm.” Ms. Taeeon’s head started to swim. “Yes, I-I just need to call someone.” The waitress looked harder at her. “They left you with the bill? Do you want me to put this on the house?” Ms. Taeeon knew she needed to say yes. She knew she could not afford this meal. Not when three jobs could hardly keep her and Smile alive. But she couldn’t say yes. She forced a smile to weave its way on her face. “No no, I’m fine.” She forced a swallow to keep her voice from trembling. “I’ll just call my mom.” The waitress paused, smiled back nodded, and walked away. Ms. Taeeon picked up the phone again, quickly turning it on to avoid Smile’s reflection. She clicked open the contact labeled mom and sent the restaurant's location. She couldn’t bring herself to call so she just texted “Can’t pay. Please come.” A pause and Smile’s phone started buzzing, each buzz vibrating on Ms. Taeeon’s leg. Ms. Taeeon just stared at the stream slowly rising and vanishing into the air, gaily whisping in different directions. She didn’t know how long she just watched the steam until she was startled by a yell. She turned to see herself running towards her. Suddenly their memory hit her very vividly. She remembered the terror on Smile’s face as she rushed furiously at her.  “How?” Ms. Taeeon shrieked. It is not often that people see themselves in daily life. Only the glimpses in a mirror. So it was startling to see herself from the third person. Her hair was slipping out of her usual bun, her lipstick was fading around the edges and she looked like a lioness about to eat her daughter up. “How?” Ms. Taeeon shrieked at Ms. Taeeon in Smiles's body. “How could you do this? I earn barely enough money to keep us running.” She could see the faces wavering around them. They stared, giggled, and seemed to come streaming at her as they wrapped around her. Then the tears came blurring her world, the droplets filling her eyes, their weight swimming until they fell, mixing with the faces, screaming, staring, and giggling. Then she heard a smack and found her head twisted painfully to the side. Her right cheek started to pulse with each hot rush mingled with stinging pain. Her tongue felt the welt inside her cheek. Ms. Taeeon looked up and she saw herself as not what she expected, a mother full of love but a monster and all she could see in herself at that moment was resentment and the world laughed back at her. 

 She was suddenly aware of her ragged breathing. Again she was on the floor of Smiles's room, the wooden floor pressing into her head. Now the sunlight was shining harshly into the room. Everything pulsed. Abruptly she tried to get up, a black haze intruded on her vision, and her foot caught on her dress. Before she could get up she was down again the ray of sunshine hitting her smartly on the face. 

Ms.Taeoon didn’t want to go back. Often people do not self reflect. When they do it is only one the surface. It is powerful to see oneself in the third person. To see one’s influence on the outside world is shocking. Ms. Taeoon’s definition of herself was starting to crumble. Starting from the very foundation of her understanding. She was a kind, hardworking, and loving mother. Squeezing out money from three jobs to barely pay rent for an ancient apartment. Sometimes rain creeped in through corners of the rooms. Ms.Taeoon sat now staring at the browning edges of the peeling plaster. With the rest of the money she paid for Smile to go to a fancy private school. She tried, she always tried. School, jobs, rent, and repeat. But she painfully started to realize that daughter was not part of her routine. She had spent so much time building Smile up but never stopped to look at her work or ask Smile if she liked what she was being turned into. “I’m sorry” Ms. Taeoon whispered to the cracks in the room. A piece of plaster lost its place on the wall and fell to the floor, the debris powdering the floor. 

The dairy had been on the floor for weeks. Smiles' room had been left untouched for weeks. The plaster had been left unswept for weeks. Ms. Taeoon had been lost for months, and broken for weeks. Footsteps passed the room echoed in its corners but never entered. The room stood painstakingly still, silent, untouched. It was not until the cap from a milk carton had happened to roll into the room the Ms.Taeoon followed after. She didn’t think as her one pair of work heels clicked unevenly into the room. It was only as she bent down to pick up the cap the stillness of the room made her pause. The air was different, she felt like she had entered an alternate reality. Abruptly she stood up nearly losing her balance on an uneven floor board. Her eyes scanned the room. Boxes, plaster on the floor on the walls, and the dairy. Its pages half open, unsure. It called to her. Something pulled her in before she knew her hands were on the book, her curiosity tugging her out of reality. Curiosity kills the cat. 

May 24th,

Dear red dairy,

Their apologies were as sweet as the faint orange red tomato juice sinking into my skin. Melting me.

The now familiar falling feeling swept over Ms.Taeoon. “We’re truly sorry, Smile.” Ms.Taeoon blinked and it was her again. Her reflexes braced at the smiling faces in front of her. “We didn’t want to leave you in a hard spot there.” Sana stepped forward and brushed her hand against Ms. Taeoon’s shoulder. “Wouldn’t dream of it.” Maya passed around a nod. “ Sit with us at lunch.” Alexandra’s shoes were tapping on the floor, each contact sharp and crisp. It wasn’t a question. Ms. Taeoon nodded, unable to speak. The classes droned on human nature essays in english, chemical reactions in science, and on and on. The lunch bell droned a tired ring and students began to pour out of the classrooms. Ms. Taeoon felt suffocated between the students streaming endlessly in front of her. She could see wealth in their atmosphere. None of the chronic tiredness of poverty, the jewelry dangling from their throats and wrists sparkled and spotlighted the wearer. Through the years Ms. Taeoon had learned money was a slippery thing. It slipped in from paychecks and slid out quickly quietly out into the endless need hungry for it. No matter how hard she tried Ms.Taeoon could not hold on to wealth, she could not shake off her chronic tiredness.  As she stepped into the dining hall she saw Sana, Maya, Alexandra, and Leilani sitting at a round table. She moved quickly through the line of food being piled on her plate. Then pivoted and started the stroll to the round table. She could see that something was wrong as she got close enough to be seen carefully. There was a collective judgement in the table only building with the glanced between the girls. Ms.Taeeon wanted to run. She felt the girls in front of her with their eight eyes watching her as weaving out an intricate web reaching towards her pulling her, the fly in. But she kept walking. “Wait.” Alexandra stood up abruptly in front of Ms. Taeoon and she almost lost her grip on her tray. “Where is your tomato juice?” “I didn’t know I had to get one?” Ms. Taeoon had to phrase this as a question. “Oh.” Alexandra turned back to the group. “Let's be nice and all give her some of ours.” Sana had stood up her hand on her cartoon of tomato juice. “You need to try some! It’s so good for your skin, and you definitely look like you need some.” Relieved Ms. Taeoon smiled in appreciation at Sana and reached out at the cartoon. Suddenly, Sana pushed her hand away and the next thing Ms.Taeoon felt tomato juice trickling down her face down her neck and into her clothes. The impact shocked Ms.Taeoon and the tray fell from her hands. She desperately tried to save it by only slipping in the tomato juice. She tried to get up only to have an empty cartoon hit her hard on the head. “She needs some more!” That was all Ms.Taeoon heard before the cold liquid was pouring down her head again. She couldn’t open her eyes, she couldn’t get up, she couldn’t scream, and she couldn’t breathe. The juice found its way into her ears and muffled sound around her. She could hear laughing, screaming, and cheering undulate around her. She had lost her sense of direction. She felt an alien on the face of the earth. She just wanted to escape her body, join the crowd. What had she done wrong, what had she done to be lying here melting into the dining hall floor decaying in the red orange tomato juice. She just wanted to escape.

Ms. Taeoon. Was finally able to scream. She opened her mouth and only the stillness of the room entered. She stopped. She could open her eyes, and she could breathe. She looked around at the fine white dust drifting around her head. Just breathe, she thought. Just breathe. She picked up the book again.

May 27th,

I tried to avoid them. But, perhaps the crimson of the sunset was so pretty that it took my senses.She was falling again. Ms. Taeoon could feel that she was running as her soul embodies. It hurt everytime she breathed in. She turned blindly into an alleyway. Then there were hands on her and she was too winded to scream, she knelt and vomited into her own lap, so many hands pressing her down so much weight. “Ew.” Through her tear blurred vision Ms. Taeoon could see the girls in front of her all grinning triumphantly. “Next time,” Ms. Taeoon could not make out which of the girls were speaking. “Next time don’t run from your friends asking to visit your home.” Ms.Taeoon could only feel the stomach acid that stung her legs and nose she could move. “Tell us your address. Now!" "Get up!” “What’s wrong with her?” “She’s definitely faking it.” The voices all blended together mixing in Ms. Taeoon’s brain, washing over her. “If you don’t get moving we’ll kill that stupid little dog of yours.” “Dumb – mixed breed.” “Just tell us the address!” Ms.Taeoon could sense their emotions getting more and more intense. She knew she needed to move, she needed to speak, she needed to get up. She opened her eyes. “We need to teach her a little lesson.” “She needs to learn to be truthful to her friends.” Ms. Taeoon looked around. There was water in front of her, a little puddle. It reflected the most beautiful sunset she had ever seen. Pink swirling into red crimson. Now she understood why red was Smile’s favorite color. It was stunning. Oh wow Ms. Taeoon thought. That's when she felt the first punch. She could feel the back of her head pulsing so clearly it seemed like the earth was rising with her heart beat. Then more kicks and punches but she felt that her body was blending into one so wasn’t sure where to cover. She needed to run. She needed to escape. She needed to get out of her body. It hurt so bad, she hated that she could feel pain. The last moment she desperately wished humans could drown in pretty puddles.

It was pitch dark when Ms. Taeoon opened her eyes. Was she dead? Ms. Taeoon was surprised to feel a great relief wash over her. But no, her eyes found light peeking in through the rest of the ancient apartment. She had missed work. She wouldn’t receive a paycheck for that day. Ms.Taeoon just lay on the floor afraid if she stood up that her body would crumble along with her definition, understanding, grip on herself, and life. She didn’t want to take another single breath. She had been alive for decades, she was just so tired.

Summer was ending. Its sweet simple grasp on the earth fading away. Ms. Taeoon could feel her grip on her daughter’s soul slipping away. Ms.Taeoon. could only find her daughter inside of her. The memories were alive inside of Ms.Taeoon. She tried to forget them, but it was like playing hide and seek with reality. They alway came back to her, paralyzing her with sorrow. She needed to run, she needed to escape out of her own body. She needed to leave. The book in Smiles' room called to her like a siren. So once again she gave in. Her hands knew the book they worked on their own to find the correct page.

June 1st,

I didn’t know there could be so much blood in one place. I felt like it was turning me scarlet.

Ms. Taeoon could feel the anxious horror before she was completely in Smile's body. She could also feel the energy of the room zipping around her. Now she could see a locker in front of her. “Open it!” Alexandra gave her a little shove. “I don’t know why you are so scared.” Maya was suddenly uncomfortably close to Ms. Taeoon’s ear. “It’s a little present! We worked so hard to prepare it for you.” Ms. Taeoon could not bear to reveal this “surprise” she could feel that it would harm her from the energy in the room. So many eyes, just watching her. She had to open the locker. She taped in the code and slowly opened the door. It was the smell that hit her first, her eyes still not adjusting to the darkness in the locker. The pungent smell of death wafted around her, blood, and the starting of decay. She wanted to slam the door shut but it was too late. Her feet suddenly felt very cold. She looked down in horror to find a mass of congealed blood greeting her ankles. She was so shocked she fell face down into the putrid smelling liquid. She struggled to get up. Her eyes suddenly met what was in the locker. It was her dog. It was hung by a rope swinging slightly. Clearly it had been dead for a while. Shock kept Ms.Taeoon’s eye wide open. Wide gashes seared through the dog’s entire body, a leg hanging dangling. She opened her mouth to gasp for air, scream, and wail. The chunky blooded streamed into her eyes coloring her vision a deep brown red, it streamed into her open mouth. At that moment her body knew what to do. It knew where to take her. Slowly she walked blood trailing after her. Students started, screamed, and slithered making way for her. Ms.Taeoon’s head spun. “Smile! Smile!” People called after her. It sounded so sarcastic. Ms. Taeoon walked up stair after stair until she reached the top of her school. Smile walked to the edge of the building and looked down. She could hear cheering “Do it! Do it!” The chanting was rhythmic and faint in her ears. Ms. Taeoon couldn’t jump. She couldn’t kill her daughter. Smile breathed in the smell of blood still in her nostrils. All the loveliness in her world turns on her like the beautiful faces of the queens covered in elf lip gloss, rare beauty foundation, and dior blush into a witch. Ms. Taeoon knew she had to do something. A step forward and Smile would be gone forever. A step back and she would be forever tossed back into the world that she so badly wanted to escape. They closed their eyes, and that moment the world turned the most lovely shade of deep mahogany. They knew what they had to do. Together they took a step. 

Everyone’s a question. Never quite answered to the world or themselves. Most questions can never be answered, not after death, not after generations, but perhaps after time. Everything is quite the same when at the extremes. What will happen after the end of time is a question none of us will ever be able to answer until it happens. Perhaps all the questions never answered will be answered when it happens, when the most unknown happens. Perhaps everything becomes known.

Everyone’s a question. Never quite answered to the world or themselves. Most question can never be answered, not after death, not after generations, but perhaps after time. Everything is quite the same when at the extremes. What will happen after the end of time is a question non of us will ever be able to answer until it happens. Perhaps all the questions never answered will be answered when it happens. When the most unknown happens. Perhaps everything comes known.